I have a soft heart. I know...shocking isn't it? And how contradictory? I can beat you until you cry because I want to see the tears roll down your cheeks and hear your wimpers, but if the pain you are suffering is unintentional, all I want to do is comfort you.
I hadn't hurt you physically in a way that was not happy. My hand hadn't slipped, nor had a toy wrapped. It was a simple request I had made and the pain I saw made me want to beat myself into a corner. Yet at the same time I knew you were watching...waiting for me to either be soft or hard and I think deep down you might have been hoping I would be hard.
I couldn't do it and I'm sorry. I couldn't continue to inflict an unintentional pain, not only because it wasn't the kind of pain I wanted to inflict, but because my heart stopped at the pain I could feel coming from you.
I have to learn to be harder and yet I have to be able to balance the strictness I know you need to feel secure with normal human compassion. Part of me considered both sides last night before I made the decision I did.
Under your pain I could feel your need to suffer for me and be punished if you could not do what I had asked, but I made the decision that what I had asked was not a punishable action if you could not complete it and that is part of why I reached for you, brought you back to your knees and held you.
I will not always make the choice I made last night. I will, however, always strive to consider our humanity before doling out punishments for situations such as what we found ourselves in last night. But know, please, that while I do understand the need for structure and your desire for harshness, sometimes my soft heart will just get in the way. You are precious to me and I will protect you, even from myself.