Thursday, February 27, 2014

Chastity Keyholder

I really enjoy being a Keyholder for those boys who need to be in chastity. If you are interested, you can message me through my blog or look for me on I Love Chastity:

Things I Find Attractive

From what I've read in messages and emails from submissive men, there seems to be a misconception regarding the behaviors and traits some dominant women find attractive in the men who serve them. I thought it might be best if I were clear about expectations.

First and foremost, I am looking for a man of strength. I want a man who serves me to be at my feet by choice and not necessity. Service is not easy. It is work and it requires strength of character. It requires you to be able to make decisions on your own when appropriate and it requires you to know when your decision is one I will accept. It requires you to have the strength to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions and inactions.

A servant has to be observant. I expect those who serve me to watch and learn and ask questions when necessary, but I do not expect to have to tell a servant step by step how every task must be completed. I also expect anyone who serves me to watch and learn from others, if I compliment another servant or owner, pay attention because I am telling you what I'd like to see you do. Similarly, if I criticize another servant or owner, I expect you to note the behavior I found unacceptable.

Anyone interested in serving me has to be able to write and speak in complete sentences, no matter what medium of communication is being used. I will not tolerate text speak, "r" instead of "are" or any other irritating destruction of the English language. If you cannot understand how much I value language, we will never be a good fit.

Servants must adhere to the prime directive at all times. Your primary responsibility is not to care for me, but to care for yourself. Caring for yourself means keeping me informed, sharing your needs and desires with me, and calling me on my bullshit. I cannot care for you if I don't know what is going on in your life. I cannot assess the feasibility of tasks for you if I don't know that you are physically, emotionally, or otherwise incapable of completing the tasks.

We are both human first. There are going to be times when we do not agree or when one or the other of us needs or wants something out of the ordinary. I need a servant who is willing to do the work involved with building a relationship while having the strength of character to stand up for himself I will make mistakes and I want a servant who will point them out--appropriately--so I can fix an issue or avoid one all together.

I want an authority based relationship. That means a great servant interested in serving me must come to me with the authority to give me the right to make decisions and dictate behavior for them. If you do not feel you have the authority to be your own person, how can you expect to be an effective servant?

Monday, May 27, 2013

Taking a Break

To say that the last two months have been exhausting, frustrating and disheartening is an understatement. While I have met many great ladies and had some interesting conversations, my other interactions have left me cynical and heartsore.

I'm taking time away to work on my writing. I have a series to finish and several other projects rolling around in my head. If you want lifestyle stuff, look for Shannon Reilly. If you want mainstream young adult paranormal fiction, email me and I'll share my pen name with you.

Those who know me, have my email address. Those who don't and want to contact me, it's out there, just look.

So long and thanks for all the fishes!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Hypocrisy In the BDSM Community

I just finished reading through a discussion on Fetlife about Financial Domination and I just have to comment about the hypocrisy I see when I look at the larger BDSM community and its reaction to Financial Domination.

I started my journey in kink on the right side of the slash. I have been involved in several long-term service relationships in the decade I have been in the real time community. In those relationships, I picked up the tab for everything from meals to laptops; from speeding tickets to home improvements. I can't tell you the number of times I pulled out my debit card and paid the bill for everything in the relationship. And what did I get in return for those times when I paid? In hindsight--very little.

Now, I will accept responsibility for making poor choices and while I might wish to have the thousands of dollars I spent back from the men who broke my heart and used my service to benefit no one but themselves, I will still call bullshit on the statements that in "real BDSM relationships" the submissive doesn't give the dominant money for nothing.

How many slaves or submissives pay all the household bills while the dominant is out of work (often for an extended amount of time). How many slaves or submissives pick up the bills when they go to munches or host events in their homes?

I won't say that there are not dominants who contribute, I am sure there are. Unfortunately for me, my poor choices have shown me far more dominants who take without giving even contact and connection in return for everything the submissive does for them.

In contrast, the financial dommes I know and admire--and I--build relationships with those who give to us their tribute. We spend time talking with them and getting to know them. Many of us spend a lot of time helping these submissive men with their fantasies and real-life goals.

Sure, there are always users in every sector of society, but let's be honest here. The women and men who enjoy financial domination as a fetish are honest with one another about what they like and what they want. Can you say the same about the dominant who seeks out and takes a slave so he or she doesn't have to find a job and can live in someone else's house for free?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Object Lesson In Expectations

This "slave" spent a week getting pretty much 24/7 access to me (While we waited for the day when he was available for a cam verification). During that week of conversation, I clearly and repeatedly stated that while I was willing to do a cam verification with him, I would not, under any circumstances, play with him or scene with him during the verification. I was happy to talk to him, let him talk with me and even let him show me his body because he felt it was necessary, but that was it. I also made it abundantly clear that I was far less interested in his physical look than I was in his ability and desire to be obedient.
After many disconnections because his internet connection was bad, we spent about 45 minutes on video call with Skype. When I put my foot down and refused to direct him to use the "toys" he had laid out for the verification, he signed off, all the while promising to complete my contract and make his tribute.
That was May 10th. This morning he decided to contact me and this is the exchange.
The lesson to be learned here, for anyone interested in contacting me, is that when I say I will or will not do something, I mean it. I neither promise nor threaten that which I will not do.

I have no problem verifying with a slave or talking with them before the first tribute. However, I am going to be blunt and honest with you during that time. I will tell you what I am and am not willing to do and what I expect from you. When you choose not to complete my expectations while simultaneously ignoring what I've told you are my limits, you will find that I am not particularly forgiving. At least not without significant begging and very large tributes.

oliver: yes i did and i did not log in since that day, this is my first time to log in,
8:54Me: And that means what to me at this point? 
8:54oliver: i was disappointed. this what my reason, i did not want to tell u this.
8:54Me: you were disappointed because you didn't get what you wanted. Tough 
8:55oliver: i was impressed during our conversation, but when we met, i also was impressed by the way u look, but i got disppointed by the way u treated my with.
i did not feel happy
8:56Me: You wasted a significant amount of my time over most of a week and when I put my foot down about refusing to play with you until you tributed, you disappeared. weren't happy. Well I sure wasn't happy to have had my time wasted. Do you have any idea what I normally charge for the kind of contact you got for FREE? 
8:58I told you, repeatedly, that I would NOT play with you during that first meeting and yet that was what you wanted. When you didn't get it, you disappeared completely. If you were disappointed, it was your own fault. 
Unless you intend to actually tribute and beg my forgiveness, I'm done with you. 
8:58oliver: i felt that u did not care of the way your slave look or can do.
8:59Me: How many times do I have to say it....because this is definitely not the first...I don't care what you look like, I only care about obedience, which you absolutely have not demonstrated. 
9:00oliver: i did not feel happy even during your veriifcation to me, you were too careless. i feel that u do not took it serouisly and it was all just to have a tribute
9:01Me: Bullshit. I saw what I wanted to see. YOU didn't get what you wanted. I'm done. 
Up until YOU decided you weren't getting what you wanted, you were being obedient. I repeatedly told you that was what I cared about. 
9:01oliver: yes u see what u wanted, but i was not happy from the way you handle me as a slave.
i am also done with you.
9:02Me: Fine. We're obviously not a good match. You refuse to be obedient and I have wasted far too much time with you. 
Enjoy being banned from findomsandbeyond. 
9:02oliver: i pay my mistress, so it is my right to have the mistress which makes me happy
9:02Me: don't get it at all 
9:02oliver: i did not go there since that time
and i do not want to be there
9:02Me: well you're banned 
9:02oliver: i already gave u my user and pass , i trusted u
9:03Me: I didn't change anything, I simply reported your behavior to the owner of the site. 
9:03oliver: i do not care about that site anymore.
9:03Me: I trusted you too and you broke that trust on its first test. 
9:03oliver: i even did not try to log in there since we talked
9:04actually i felt the same
9:04Me: because I didn't want to see you stick a screw driver up your ass?
9:05oliver: u want me to be honset ot not
9:07Me: I wanted you to be obedient and have a little patience. YOU got every verification you asked for. I got NONE of the tasks completed that I asked for...that you put off until YOU got what YOU wanted. I gave you one parameter for that verification session--that I would not play with you--and since that was all you were interested in, you disappeared when it became clear that I wasn't going to do what YOU wanted. So you got 90% of what you wanted and I got nothing but wasted time. How's that for honest? 
9:11oliver: it was about my feeling from your way of treatment to me. it was very routine, careless, sorry to tell boring. maybe because u just wakeup. but i felt that i was alone, i did not feel your power.
9:18i did not hve bad intention at all. all what i wanted is super mistress and i did not feel this with you. maybe because all the time you were thinking i have bad intention, so u did not take my serousily. i do not know!
9:20Me: Yes, I thought you were probably wasting my time. And a "super mistress' is, apparently by your definition, one who does what YOU want. I'm not that kind of dominant. While I care about what those who serve me like and don't like and what they might want to experience, when I say I won't do something, continuing to expect that I will change my mind is not going to make me more likely to give a servant anything they want. It's much more likely to make me angry. 
considering how you disappeared, I felt pretty sure I had been right about how much you were wasting my time. 
demands and disobedience=punishment 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What is Sexy?

There are likely as many ways to define sexy as there are people in the world. This is my personal list of what is sexy.

  1. Good Grammar and Spelling--The ability to use the tools of language correctly is incredibly sexy. This is especially true in the textually based world of online interaction. I liken poor grammar and spelling to showing up naked to a job interview. You might think it's cute, but in reality it's embarrassing and irritating.
  2. Articulate Communication--Not only is the correct use of the building blocks of language sexy, but so, too, is the ability to express yourself eloquently and beautifully. I'm a writer and I have a deep and abiding love for language. If you can use language in a pleasing way, you have found the way to my heart.
  3. Ruthless Obedience--I find the willingness of a servant to assess the tasks they are given, ask questions and offer suggestions appropriately, but then complete the task as I have assigned it because they know I have taken into consideration all parts of our relationship to be intoxicatingly sexy. Doing what you are told, not because you do not think about it, but because you HAVE thought, presented objections and had the task affirmed by me is something I prize.
  4. Honor and Integrity--Doing what you say you will do without excuses is an important trait. I despise being lied to (either by omission or commission)  and I expect all who serve me to do what they say they will do or do not offer the service.
  5. Promptness--Being on time and keeping one's commitments is incredibly sexy. I abhor being kept waiting, so be on time or reschedule within a reasonable amount of time.
  6. Sense of Humor--The ability to laugh and to make me laugh is priceless!
While I find the human body sexy as well, it makes very little difference to me how pretty the package is wrapped if what the wrapping covers is a bowl of shit. A gorgeous body with an ugly spirit is not sexy. I'm much more interested in what makes you tick than what you look like.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Limits Versus Social Restrictions

One of the replies to a post about Ruthless Obedience included a mention of limits and hard limits. Because I am an advocate of plain language and clear communication, I thought I would share the concept of limits versus social restrictions.

A limit is something inviolate. It can be a restriction on action because of health, emotion, or other criteria. The key here is that limits are not meant the be broken or pushed. defines a limit as "the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure." Limits in the leather community are those things which will cause irreparable harm to the person.

In contrast to a limit, a social restriction is something you might not prefer, but will not cause you irreparable damage.

Social restrictions allow me a place to exert push you past where you believed you could go. I must be willing to be there to clean up any messes I might make when dealing with social restrictions. I also expect a servant to talk to me about his or her feelings and reactions to these activities.

Making the distinction between limits and social restrictions allows both dominants and submissives to have a clearer idea of where the boundaries lay. I can say to someone that my limits are, "Don't mess with my family or my career," and while that sounds very broad, it actually allows for some very specific restrictions. If an activity will affect my ability to work or cause uncomfortable discussions with my mother, it must be included in the limit. Using a broad-based limit statement like this, also allows some leeway. For example, if I've scheduled vacation from work or will not be seeing my family for some time, then those activities which might have been covered by the limit previously can be added back into the repertoire temporarily.

I always caution new dominants and submissives (Yes, I believe dominants should have to be able to clearly state their limits, too) to carefully consider what they list as their limits as their limits tend to say much more about their thoughts of others than whether they have carefully considered their own limits. For example, if you tell someone your limits are, "No children, no animals, and no dead people," do you realize you've just told the person to whom you are speaking that you think they might be a pedophile and necrophiliac with bestiality tendencies?

In the end, I believe that taking the time to carefully consider your limits and social restrictions will give you and the ones with whom you engage in a power exchange room to grow and play. You must be willing to put in the time and effort though, rather than looking for filler limits just so you have something to say when someone asks what your limits are.